Climbing’s Like Sex

Climbing’s Like Sex - 20250321

Lee Moore

Dear Wall,

climbing’s like sex

your problems got me quite vexed

your three-finger pockets

light all of my rockets

how would you feel if i crammed

into you this fist jam

once i shove my hand in your crack

i feel no need to whack

your callipygian sloper

make me feel like a groper

i flashed you twice last night

you didn’t even put up a fight

“another,” you beckon

i climb atop you, i reckon,

for thirty three seconds

and reach for the heavens

coach says that in between exertions like this

i need a rest of five minutes ish

after five or six sends, i’m exhausted

you say, “try again,” but, really, i’m toasted

there i am still lying flat

unable to crawl off of the mat

you whisper, “why not just one more”

and when i watch others mount you, all i can say is “whore”

“one more attempt”

“no really, i’m spent”

“no, no, don’t depart,

why not try this pink route with the nasty start”

i lust to mount you again

but i think i am fin

i can hardly walk

another attempt? no, no, i must balk

no really, i’m done

another time just wouldn’t be fun

but after i leave,

there’s still no reprieve

at work, in the office, i sit stolidly

and think about the door handle’s positivity

my boss took a leak

and found me projecting beneath the bathroom sink

afternoons, i dip out of work

to get on your slab and do something that looks like a twerk

my girlfriend wants more fucks

but all i can think of is your crux

i once had a life, but now you are it

All my ex wives tell me this is some sort of fit

no, it's not just a fling

this is the real thing

i’ve given up drinking

I given up toking

there’s no high like your height

in meters, seven point eight

at night, i no longer cream

instead, all that i can dream

is of crimpy nightmares

and more aggressive footwear

climbing’s like sex

your problems got me quite vexed

this is not a joke

please don’t put sand in my stoke

Sincerely,

Climber